Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
