Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
