Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I could have mohawked her pubes.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
