I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
honey bunches of taint.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He shit in the fireplace
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
