just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
COCAINE IS GR8
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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