We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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