Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
