Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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