I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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