listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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