Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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