I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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