The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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