remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Randomize
