I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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