I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
