I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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