I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
