It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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