she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
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