If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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