My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
