I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
