Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
