Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
