i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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