Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
pop tarts are not kleenex
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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