why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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