Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
She told me I should be a condom model.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
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