Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
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