I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
