I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
