I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
