My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
