I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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