if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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