Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
