Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
