First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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