My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
