I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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