I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
