I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
did you just send me my own nude
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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