when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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