I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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