i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
