new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
