Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
