I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
