Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
