Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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