my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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