My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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