You're my little dorito
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I got inside last night via doggy door
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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