So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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