I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
