now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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